Hi all. I know I've been a stranger around here. I never have been very good at writing blog posts. I originally used this blog to "publish" RAISING ABEL, and I didn't really think about what I might do with it afterwards.
Also, my mom passed away on April 11th. As you who have read the blog and the book know, I had a complicated relationship with my mom. She was 89, and her last words to me a few days before she died were, "Because I tell you to." Complicated to the last.
Abel and Jacob are doing well. Jacob slept over at a friend's house last night. He's seven so, you know, he's almost a grown up and he can handle sleepovers. Abel is upstairs sleeping while his friend Benjamin plays a computer game. Benjamin is still a strong presence in our lives, which is a true blessing. Abel has been getting out more and more and growing stronger physically and emotionally. He's working up to benching 500 pounds. He's at about 470 right now. 470 pounds. Unbelievable.
So, our little family is doing pretty well. Raising Abel still sells a few copies on Amazon, and my new book did pretty well so we're set financially for at least the next six months. (I was "laid off" from the family business. There just wasn't enough work to keep us all going.) I'm going to continue writing romantic suspense, at least for the time being. It's always been one of my favorite genres to read. And, as I believe I've said before, having someone write romance who has no experience keeps that nasty reality from showing up in the pages. :) Oh, and any of you who might have read The Trunk Key, if you can leave even a very short review on Amazon, it truly helps. I keep getting these weird reviews saying that it was really a good story but it was too short: 1 star. Or it was a real page-turner but it was a romance: 2 stars. It would be good to receive a few balanced reviews. All they have to be is true.
The book I'm currently working on is a ghost story and should be finished in the next couple of months. I don't have a title for it yet. Here's hoping it sells a million copies and the boys and I are set for life. Yeah. That'll happen. LOL.
Thanks for reading, all of you who have been stopping by. I don't know when I'll post again. I'm just not that good at this...
This story is now available on Amazon under the title RAISING ABEL with the pen name Carolyn Nash. If you have read the book, and you have a chance, I would so appreciate it if you'd leave a review on Amazon. It's of great help.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
031712 - I have a new book! And it's FREE today.
I have ventured into the world of fiction writing. Today, my new book THE TRUNK KEY is Free for Amazon Kindle. I hope you'll take a look. Let me know what you think. Thanks!
FREE TODAY ONLY!
The new suspense novel from the author of RAISING ABEL.
What if you think you see a kidnap victim in the trunk of a car? What if you're wrong? What do you do?
Find out what one woman does in THE TRUNK KEY.
FREE for AMAZON KINDLE TODAY ONLY!
US
http://www.amazon.com/
UK
http://www.amazon.co.uk/
FREE TODAY ONLY!
The new suspense novel from the author of RAISING ABEL.
What if you think you see a kidnap victim in the trunk of a car? What if you're wrong? What do you do?
Find out what one woman does in THE TRUNK KEY.
FREE for AMAZON KINDLE TODAY ONLY!
US
http://www.amazon.com/
UK
http://www.amazon.co.uk/
Sunday, March 11, 2012
031112 - Wow
The book giveaway was an amazing success. More than 18,000 e-books given away in a 24-hour period. Since then, people have also been buying the book, enough so that for a brief, dizzying moment, RAISING ABEL was Number 10 on the Amazon bestseller list. It's settled back a bit since then, but still going pretty strong.
I'm not sure how to tell you all what this means to me. Having kept my story hidden for years--even, really, from myself--it's incredibly validating to have received the response I have on this blog and for the book. I used to be so ashamed of my status as "the world's oldest virgin." It was mortifying to be asked by people, Are you married? Have you ever been married? Oh, so did you live with someone... How to explain that I wanted so badly to be in a relationship, but I just couldn't, and I believed for SO long that it was because I was weird and unlovable.
And, to have the praise come in for Abel, for his strength and his courage to work through what he has. He is a hero. He has to fight demons every day of his life and he succeeds. Case in point: yesterday, Jacob had a friend over. They were using Abel's IPod to make silly videos. At some point, they decided that it would be a good idea to throw it around. Yes, I know, but they're six. It smashed on something and Jacob came in to tell me about it (very proud of him for doing that) and when I said, That was a very bad decision, he burst into tears.
"You have to tell Abel," I said.
"Noooo," he wailed, "he'll be mad!"
"Even so, you need to tell him what happened."
We went upstairs, Jacob sobbing, his little friend following timidly behind.
"Why are you crying?" Abel asked.
I showed him the broken IPod.
"Jacob, come here. I'm not mad. Just tell me what happened," Abel said.
Jacob sobbed out the story.
Abel put his arm around him. "Well that was really stupid," he said. "Why did you think it would be a good idea to throw it?"
Jacob shrugged, sniffling.
"Okay, don't do it again."
"Okay," said Jacob.
And that was it.
Jacob will do some chores to pay for a new glass screen on the IPod.
I'm so proud of both of them.
I'm not sure how to tell you all what this means to me. Having kept my story hidden for years--even, really, from myself--it's incredibly validating to have received the response I have on this blog and for the book. I used to be so ashamed of my status as "the world's oldest virgin." It was mortifying to be asked by people, Are you married? Have you ever been married? Oh, so did you live with someone... How to explain that I wanted so badly to be in a relationship, but I just couldn't, and I believed for SO long that it was because I was weird and unlovable.
And, to have the praise come in for Abel, for his strength and his courage to work through what he has. He is a hero. He has to fight demons every day of his life and he succeeds. Case in point: yesterday, Jacob had a friend over. They were using Abel's IPod to make silly videos. At some point, they decided that it would be a good idea to throw it around. Yes, I know, but they're six. It smashed on something and Jacob came in to tell me about it (very proud of him for doing that) and when I said, That was a very bad decision, he burst into tears.
"You have to tell Abel," I said.
"Noooo," he wailed, "he'll be mad!"
"Even so, you need to tell him what happened."
We went upstairs, Jacob sobbing, his little friend following timidly behind.
"Why are you crying?" Abel asked.
I showed him the broken IPod.
"Jacob, come here. I'm not mad. Just tell me what happened," Abel said.
Jacob sobbed out the story.
Abel put his arm around him. "Well that was really stupid," he said. "Why did you think it would be a good idea to throw it?"
Jacob shrugged, sniffling.
"Okay, don't do it again."
"Okay," said Jacob.
And that was it.
Jacob will do some chores to pay for a new glass screen on the IPod.
I'm so proud of both of them.
Monday, March 5, 2012
RAISING ABEL will be FREE for Kindle on March 6th
Hi all,
If you know anyone who would like a copy of RAISING ABEL for their Kindle, please tell them to go to Amazon tomorrow, March 6th. You'll be able to download it for free.
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Abel-ebook/dp/B0063UL91U/
Thanks!
If you know anyone who would like a copy of RAISING ABEL for their Kindle, please tell them to go to Amazon tomorrow, March 6th. You'll be able to download it for free.
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Abel-ebook/dp/B0063UL91U/
Thanks!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
022312 And one more thing...
If you are on Facebook, come by and see Carolyn Nash's author page and say hi. :)
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Carolyn-Nash/185694554847144
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Carolyn-Nash/185694554847144
020412 (022312) Why do you guys keep coming here to see what I've written?
In the previous blog entries that went into RAISING ABEL, I'm certain I wrote about my issues with self-doubt. Self doubt is the main reason my blog entries are so few and far between. What can I possibly write that someone would want to read?
However, I just figured out something crucially important. No one is forcing anyone to click on this blog. Ergo, people are clicking on the blog because they want to read what I've written.
Extraordinary concept.
I think you can see why I have such a hard time marketing my book.
I'm 55 years old (another extraordinary concept). My abuse was almost 50 years ago. I've been through therapy for years and years and years. And yet, the gift keeps giving. The way I was raised and formed by my parents still effects what I do and what I think. I constantly fight the concept that there is no way anyone could possibly be interested in what I've experienced and what I've written. It's a painful struggle for me.
How much harder is it for Abel, whose abuse was orders of magnitude worse than mine? (I know. Abuse is abuse and there is no "scale" for judging whose abuse was worse, but his was worse.) Abel is 21; he'll be 22 this summer. He struggles so hard to try to determine what his place is in the world. He says (and I'm hoping it's only "says" and not what he truly believes) that he is living on borrowed time. He says he was supposed to have died long ago at the hands of his birth parents or when he took all those pills. He thinks he will die young and that it will be okay because he should already be dead. I'm sure you can imagine how those words pierce my heart.
February 23. I've been avoiding this blog as if clicking on it would give me an electric shock. There's something I'm avoiding, but haven't quite figured it all out, yet.
I will tell you the last couple of weeks have been pretty interesting. One morning, Abel told me that he had realized what he had to do to make his life have meaning. After I was dead and gone (because he didn't want to hurt me) he was going to track down his birth parents and destroy them. He'd been up all night and this was eating at him. He felt the only thing he could do to protect other people and to prove that they should never have gotten away with what they did, was to destroy their lives the way they had tried to destroy his. I argued, I begged, I pleaded, I threatened, but nothing was going to dissuade him from this goal.
Please let me make something very clear: I do not and have never believed Abel would actually search for and do violence to his birth parents. But I argued because it so hurts me to have him think these poisonous thoughts.I still labor under the false belief that if I can just come up with the right way to say something, it will take his pain away.
So, he finally went up to his room to sleep and I sat and worried.
The next day, maybe the day after, he came to me again. He said, "I still think they deserve to have their lives taken away, but I'm not going to do it. I won't do it because I love you. And, even if you were dead when I did it, it would not be honoring what you have given me. You're my mom."
I cried and thanked him for one of the greatest gifts he's ever given me.
Abel is a good, loving, gentle, generous soul. But, he has all of this rage inside him and he wants so badly to find a way to clean it out. I believe that whenever someone is badly hurt, the primitive part of their psyche wants to strike back and kill. I think that actually bringing that feeling forward, imagining what it would be like, and then finding a reason to discard it without feeling like a coward or a failure for not having done it, was extremely important. It was disturbing and difficult, but important.
Working with Stanley, he is gradually clearing more of the anger and pain, but there is so much that those bastards did...
And when your kids get older they may also say some outrageous and frightening things. Try to remember that it's part of the process of expressing the poison, pushing it out where it can be cleansed away.
And remember, you can't track down the birth parents either, no matter how much you would like to.
However, I just figured out something crucially important. No one is forcing anyone to click on this blog. Ergo, people are clicking on the blog because they want to read what I've written.
Extraordinary concept.
I think you can see why I have such a hard time marketing my book.
I'm 55 years old (another extraordinary concept). My abuse was almost 50 years ago. I've been through therapy for years and years and years. And yet, the gift keeps giving. The way I was raised and formed by my parents still effects what I do and what I think. I constantly fight the concept that there is no way anyone could possibly be interested in what I've experienced and what I've written. It's a painful struggle for me.
How much harder is it for Abel, whose abuse was orders of magnitude worse than mine? (I know. Abuse is abuse and there is no "scale" for judging whose abuse was worse, but his was worse.) Abel is 21; he'll be 22 this summer. He struggles so hard to try to determine what his place is in the world. He says (and I'm hoping it's only "says" and not what he truly believes) that he is living on borrowed time. He says he was supposed to have died long ago at the hands of his birth parents or when he took all those pills. He thinks he will die young and that it will be okay because he should already be dead. I'm sure you can imagine how those words pierce my heart.
February 23. I've been avoiding this blog as if clicking on it would give me an electric shock. There's something I'm avoiding, but haven't quite figured it all out, yet.
I will tell you the last couple of weeks have been pretty interesting. One morning, Abel told me that he had realized what he had to do to make his life have meaning. After I was dead and gone (because he didn't want to hurt me) he was going to track down his birth parents and destroy them. He'd been up all night and this was eating at him. He felt the only thing he could do to protect other people and to prove that they should never have gotten away with what they did, was to destroy their lives the way they had tried to destroy his. I argued, I begged, I pleaded, I threatened, but nothing was going to dissuade him from this goal.
Please let me make something very clear: I do not and have never believed Abel would actually search for and do violence to his birth parents. But I argued because it so hurts me to have him think these poisonous thoughts.I still labor under the false belief that if I can just come up with the right way to say something, it will take his pain away.
So, he finally went up to his room to sleep and I sat and worried.
The next day, maybe the day after, he came to me again. He said, "I still think they deserve to have their lives taken away, but I'm not going to do it. I won't do it because I love you. And, even if you were dead when I did it, it would not be honoring what you have given me. You're my mom."
I cried and thanked him for one of the greatest gifts he's ever given me.
Abel is a good, loving, gentle, generous soul. But, he has all of this rage inside him and he wants so badly to find a way to clean it out. I believe that whenever someone is badly hurt, the primitive part of their psyche wants to strike back and kill. I think that actually bringing that feeling forward, imagining what it would be like, and then finding a reason to discard it without feeling like a coward or a failure for not having done it, was extremely important. It was disturbing and difficult, but important.
Working with Stanley, he is gradually clearing more of the anger and pain, but there is so much that those bastards did...
And when your kids get older they may also say some outrageous and frightening things. Try to remember that it's part of the process of expressing the poison, pushing it out where it can be cleansed away.
And remember, you can't track down the birth parents either, no matter how much you would like to.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
010312A Abel and Jacob
This Christmas season was one of the best I've ever experienced. Jacob BELIEVES in Santa. I can't think of anything better than watching a 6-year-old in Spongebob footie pajamas dancing around a living room so excited that Santa is really going to come! I think Abel had a pretty good Christmas, too, but it hasn't all been peaches and cream. Things have been going well, but I don't want to leave anyone with the idea that everything is okay. Mama didn't kiss the boo-boo and make it all better. (Would that I could!) Before dawn one morning recently, Abel knocked on my door and announced that he thought he was having a panic attack. His heart was beating rapidly, he couldn't sit still let alone sleep. We went downstairs to talk, and did so for more than two hours.
And here I go with another conflict. When I wrote the other posts that eventually went into the book, it was all in the past. Somehow, it seemed okay to share, as long as I protected our privacy. Now, I hesitate to discuss the details of what Abel and I discussed the other morning because I feel like I would be breaching a confidence. There was so much rage in what he shared with me, and unless you are a parent of a traumatized child, you might be shocked at the form that rage took. Truthfully, I'm going to have to do some more thinking, as well as talking more with Abel about what I should share.
I guess for now, I want you to know that it hasn't and it doesn't all go away when they become an adult. The purpose of this blog, now, is to share our experience with this transition from boy to man. I just have to figure out how to do that without betraying my son's trust.
And here I go with another conflict. When I wrote the other posts that eventually went into the book, it was all in the past. Somehow, it seemed okay to share, as long as I protected our privacy. Now, I hesitate to discuss the details of what Abel and I discussed the other morning because I feel like I would be breaching a confidence. There was so much rage in what he shared with me, and unless you are a parent of a traumatized child, you might be shocked at the form that rage took. Truthfully, I'm going to have to do some more thinking, as well as talking more with Abel about what I should share.
I guess for now, I want you to know that it hasn't and it doesn't all go away when they become an adult. The purpose of this blog, now, is to share our experience with this transition from boy to man. I just have to figure out how to do that without betraying my son's trust.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Results of the Book Giveaway
In scanning back over the blog, I realized I hadn't given the final results for the book giveaway on the 9th.
On Amazon.com, 711 books were given away.
On Amazon.co.uk (the United Kingdom Amazon site) 89 books were given away.
A nice, even 800 books. :)
If you or anyone you know got one of these, I would certainly appreciate a review on Amazon, particularly the Amazon UK site. There are no reviews yet in the UK.
As I've mentioned, I'm somewhat conflicted about "selling" the book through this blog. Selling in any form is difficult for me. Yet, I have two boys to raise, so here I go. If you can spread the word about the book, that would be great.
Too much hard sell?
I also would like to take the opportunity to thank ISoCannotMakeThis Sh!tUp.blogspot.com and OneMothersDay.blogspot.com for their reviews of RAISING ABEL. A positive review from a trauma mama is worth so much to me.
Oh, and by the way, Kirkus Reviews posted a wonderful review of RA. You can see it at
http://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/carolyn-nash/raising-abel-qiHHTZkA/
On Amazon.com, 711 books were given away.
On Amazon.co.uk (the United Kingdom Amazon site) 89 books were given away.
A nice, even 800 books. :)
If you or anyone you know got one of these, I would certainly appreciate a review on Amazon, particularly the Amazon UK site. There are no reviews yet in the UK.
As I've mentioned, I'm somewhat conflicted about "selling" the book through this blog. Selling in any form is difficult for me. Yet, I have two boys to raise, so here I go. If you can spread the word about the book, that would be great.
Too much hard sell?
I also would like to take the opportunity to thank ISoCannotMakeThis Sh!tUp.blogspot.com and OneMothersDay.blogspot.com for their reviews of RAISING ABEL. A positive review from a trauma mama is worth so much to me.
Oh, and by the way, Kirkus Reviews posted a wonderful review of RA. You can see it at
http://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/carolyn-nash/raising-abel-qiHHTZkA/
Saturday, December 17, 2011
121711 Maybe I'm happy
Last night, Abel, Jacob, and I were sitting in the living room watching something, maybe Kung Fu Panda. Abel and Jacob had been wrestling and laughing on the couch. Abel was torturing Jacob by tickling his feet. Jacob was torturing Abel by calling him a big fat turtle (yes, it must have been Kung Fu Panda). When they tired of that, Abel moved over to the arm chair and sat, hands folded, staring at his intertwined fingers. After a minute or two, he looked up at me.
"I feel weird," he said.
I got that little lurch in the pit of my stomach. "What do you mean, weird?"
"I don't know. I'm not tired. I'm not wired up."
"Yes?"
"I'm not mad."
Thank God.
He paused for another few seconds. He looked up at me and smiled. "Maybe I'm happy."
We are going through a very good time right now. Jacob, being 6, is ecstatic that Christmas is in one week. Abel is "maybe" happy. I am definitely happy... and trying not to be scared by the happiness. It's hard not to let the old training come to the fore, that if you're happy, something has to happen to spoil it. Truthfully, the little bit of fear that I'm experiencing is so much less than in past days. And, Amelia has also finally got it through my thick head that fear doesn't equal death. Fear can just be fear, a little anxiety, and doesn't have to rule my life, or my sons'.
For those of you in the middle of the bad times, hold onto the image of Abel sitting in that chair, saying those words: "Maybe I'm happy." It can happen. And it can be the most wonderful reward for all the struggles. I always said to Amelia that I could make it through anything if I only knew how the story would turn out. While I know we still have challenges, and no one knows what life will bring, right now, right this minute with Abel stretched out on the couch scratching Squeaker's ears, and Jacob crawling around on the floor giving voices to his Power Rangers, I am so happy. It's all any parent could want.
"I feel weird," he said.
I got that little lurch in the pit of my stomach. "What do you mean, weird?"
"I don't know. I'm not tired. I'm not wired up."
"Yes?"
"I'm not mad."
Thank God.
He paused for another few seconds. He looked up at me and smiled. "Maybe I'm happy."
We are going through a very good time right now. Jacob, being 6, is ecstatic that Christmas is in one week. Abel is "maybe" happy. I am definitely happy... and trying not to be scared by the happiness. It's hard not to let the old training come to the fore, that if you're happy, something has to happen to spoil it. Truthfully, the little bit of fear that I'm experiencing is so much less than in past days. And, Amelia has also finally got it through my thick head that fear doesn't equal death. Fear can just be fear, a little anxiety, and doesn't have to rule my life, or my sons'.
For those of you in the middle of the bad times, hold onto the image of Abel sitting in that chair, saying those words: "Maybe I'm happy." It can happen. And it can be the most wonderful reward for all the struggles. I always said to Amelia that I could make it through anything if I only knew how the story would turn out. While I know we still have challenges, and no one knows what life will bring, right now, right this minute with Abel stretched out on the couch scratching Squeaker's ears, and Jacob crawling around on the floor giving voices to his Power Rangers, I am so happy. It's all any parent could want.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
121311 A most wonderful gift
When I came home from work yesterday, Abel had cleaned the house. Living room, bathroom, hall, stairs, front porch, kitchen, dining room, even my office. He swept, did dishes, put things away.
He did it just to make me happy.
He did it just to make me happy.
Friday, December 9, 2011
December 9th Book Giveaway - Wow!
To all of you who helped spread the word, THANK YOU! I'm a little over halfway through this giveaway day and 368 copies have been downloaded!
I encourage you to tell anyone you want to about this free day. The more copies spread out into the world, the better!
By the way, if you don't have a Kindle, you can download free software from Amazon so that you can use your computer as an e-book reader. Not only can you get RAISING ABEL, you can get any other Kindle e-book. There are loads of them available for free.
I encourage you to tell anyone you want to about this free day. The more copies spread out into the world, the better!
By the way, if you don't have a Kindle, you can download free software from Amazon so that you can use your computer as an e-book reader. Not only can you get RAISING ABEL, you can get any other Kindle e-book. There are loads of them available for free.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
RAISING ABEL (Kindle) should be free tomorrow, Dec. 9th, on Amazon
Amazon has a new program that allows me to put RAISING ABEL up for no charge from midnight (Pacific time) tonight until midnight tomorrow night. I encourage you to spread the word to anyone who might have been interested in reading the story to download it free.
Yes, I'd like to make money off the book. More importantly, I want people to read it. I know it would have helped me when I was going through it to know that someone else had survived all of the ups and downs.
By the way, as of this date, 84 copies of the book have been sold. Being a writer is definitely NOT the way to make a living. :)
Yes, I'd like to make money off the book. More importantly, I want people to read it. I know it would have helped me when I was going through it to know that someone else had survived all of the ups and downs.
By the way, as of this date, 84 copies of the book have been sold. Being a writer is definitely NOT the way to make a living. :)
120811 I think I've calmed down
Seeing Abel's birth mother was a shock, there is no denying that. But, it was a shock because I let it be. She has no power over him anymore. She cannot physically hurt him ever again. I know that if he should think to look for her on Facebook, it will be a shock for him. But you know what? He is not that little boy anymore. He is not the out-of-control teen. He is a young man with coping skills better than most adults I know. He will handle it if it happens.
When Abel was about 14, before he went into the group home, our horses got out onto the highway that ran by our house. I ran out on the highway with lead ropes and halters, shouting at Abel to stand by the gate so that he could close it quickly after I chased them in. Cars are slamming on their brakes, I'm waving frantically to get people to stop, trying to get a rope on at least one horse, and Abel stands in the driveway, not moving.
"Abel! The gate!"
He doesn't move. Thankfully, the horses don't care for the screeching cars and headed back through the gates. "Shut it, quick!" He stands, unmoving, with an angry look on his face. At that point, he wasn't the only one with an angry look. I ran down, grabbed the gate and swung it closed.
"What the hell? Why didn't you close the gate?"
"Don't tell me what to do," he said, and walked back to the house. I was furious, frustrated, and my heart was still pounding from dodging cars and flying hooves. I could not understand why he couldn't do that one small thing, particularly in an emergency. I don't think he could have explained it to me.
Leap forward in time to last night. For several days, I had heard a cat meowing plaintively from across the street, but I couldn't figure out where the sound was coming from and I thought that whoever owned the cat would take care of whatever problem there was. Jacob went to a school function with friends last night, and as their car drove away, I heard the cat crying again. This time, I walked across the street as one of my neighbors came out. We quickly realized that the cat was up in a very tall, very bushy pine tree and that it had been stuck up there for several days. I called animal control, but they couldn't come out until the next day. I just couldn't stand the idea of that cat being up there hungry and thirsty, so I went home and yelled upstairs for Abel.
"What?"
"There's a cat stuck up in a tree. I need your help." And he came. He groaned a bit, but he came. And he and I and a couple of neighbors spent the next hour shining flashlights up in this tree, hauling out different ladders, carrying an open, dripping tuna fish can up into the branches to lure it down, and finally, having the great satisfaction of rescuing that cat. We both went home flushed with pleasure. It didn't matter that he'd had to leave his computer game. He sat in the livingroom with me and said two or three times how great it felt to save that cat.
He is not the same boy or man that he used to be. And as I see his heart growing to love his brother, his friends, and even some stray cat, I also see the strength in him growing to withstand the challenges ahead, even the challenge of confronting the knowledge that his birth mother still lives in this world.
Now if I can just confront that knowledge without wanting to form a ninja band of trauma mamas to hunt her down...
When Abel was about 14, before he went into the group home, our horses got out onto the highway that ran by our house. I ran out on the highway with lead ropes and halters, shouting at Abel to stand by the gate so that he could close it quickly after I chased them in. Cars are slamming on their brakes, I'm waving frantically to get people to stop, trying to get a rope on at least one horse, and Abel stands in the driveway, not moving.
"Abel! The gate!"
He doesn't move. Thankfully, the horses don't care for the screeching cars and headed back through the gates. "Shut it, quick!" He stands, unmoving, with an angry look on his face. At that point, he wasn't the only one with an angry look. I ran down, grabbed the gate and swung it closed.
"What the hell? Why didn't you close the gate?"
"Don't tell me what to do," he said, and walked back to the house. I was furious, frustrated, and my heart was still pounding from dodging cars and flying hooves. I could not understand why he couldn't do that one small thing, particularly in an emergency. I don't think he could have explained it to me.
Leap forward in time to last night. For several days, I had heard a cat meowing plaintively from across the street, but I couldn't figure out where the sound was coming from and I thought that whoever owned the cat would take care of whatever problem there was. Jacob went to a school function with friends last night, and as their car drove away, I heard the cat crying again. This time, I walked across the street as one of my neighbors came out. We quickly realized that the cat was up in a very tall, very bushy pine tree and that it had been stuck up there for several days. I called animal control, but they couldn't come out until the next day. I just couldn't stand the idea of that cat being up there hungry and thirsty, so I went home and yelled upstairs for Abel.
"What?"
"There's a cat stuck up in a tree. I need your help." And he came. He groaned a bit, but he came. And he and I and a couple of neighbors spent the next hour shining flashlights up in this tree, hauling out different ladders, carrying an open, dripping tuna fish can up into the branches to lure it down, and finally, having the great satisfaction of rescuing that cat. We both went home flushed with pleasure. It didn't matter that he'd had to leave his computer game. He sat in the livingroom with me and said two or three times how great it felt to save that cat.
He is not the same boy or man that he used to be. And as I see his heart growing to love his brother, his friends, and even some stray cat, I also see the strength in him growing to withstand the challenges ahead, even the challenge of confronting the knowledge that his birth mother still lives in this world.
Now if I can just confront that knowledge without wanting to form a ninja band of trauma mamas to hunt her down...
Friday, December 2, 2011
120211 What do I do with this anger?
For some reason, it never occurred to me before to look for Abel's birth mother on Facebook. I just searched, and I found her. I feel sick to my stomach. The page doesn't reveal where she is or anything about her life. I'm terrified that Abel will decide one day to look for her. And should I be terrified? Should I even tell him that she is there and there is a way he could contact her? He doesn't want to get a drivers license because he's afraid he'd search for his father and wipe him out. What would he want to do to Justine? What do I want to do to Justine? After our reading yesterday of a few pages from RAISING ABEL, we had a wonderful day. He seemed to have relaxed in some way, actually given himself a break from the expectations he and society heap on a young man of 21.
At least for now, I'm not going to tell him. I've got to let this simmer for awhile (more like boil!) Any suggestions on how to handle this would be appreciated.
At least for now, I'm not going to tell him. I've got to let this simmer for awhile (more like boil!) Any suggestions on how to handle this would be appreciated.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
120111 Abel finally asked to see the book
This morning, rather out of the blue, Abel asked for a copy of RAISING ABEL. From the beginning, despite my urging him to read the manuscript, he has refused saying that he didn't need to. I was a bit surprised, therefore, when he asked for a copy, but I didn't hesitate to give him one. It is his story.
"Are you going to read the whole thing?" I asked.
"Nah, I'll probably just skim through."
That sent up red flags. "Honey, that would be a mistake. You might pick something out of context and not realize why I wrote it the way I did."
"No, it'll be fine."
"Ok, then, do me a favor. Read the prologue first and tell me what you think."
He leafed through quickly, found it, started to read and then looked up at me, startled. "I never said that."
"Yes, you did," I said gently.
"No, I didn't," he insisted.
"Honey, I took notes at the time. It's what you said."
He went back to reading, but I could tell he didn't believe me. "I didn't have blond hair."
"Yes, you did. I've got the pictures. Don't you remember me calling you my little golden-haired boy?" (I did call him that. I was pretty sentimental... Still am.)
He shook his head and kept reading, and laughed at the last line.
Ok, that wasn't so bad.
We chatted a bit longer about the book, and I encouraged him to call me at work if anything started to come up. It started to become clear to me that he was afraid the book was a listing of all that he had done wrong growing up. Oh, so far from the truth. To me it is the story of an truly extraordinary young man who had the strength, courage, and heart to survive all that was done to him with his soul intact. So, to demonstrate this, I asked him to listen while I read one very short chapter.
The chapter is the one where I first saw him cry, when he told me that even if his birth parents came and took him away, that he would come back and find me. We didn't get past the first few lines.
“My Daddy took me to the park.”
We were in my room. Abel was sitting on the floor near my bed playing with a Superman figure while I folded clothes and stacked them in piles on the patchwork quilt.
“Did you have fun?” I asked.
He shook his head as Superman came down with a crash on the floor. “He left me there. That wasn’t very nice.”
I folded a pair of jeans,
"Yes, sweetheart." And I tried to keep reading.
"He left me at the park."
"Yes." I tried again to continue.
He stood. "I'm out of here," he said and walked out of the room, up the stairs, and I heard his door slam shut.
"What's wrong with Abel?" Jacob asked. And here is introduced one of the biggest problems I face when dealing with Abel's past and his behavior: How do you explain it to a 6-year-old? We all live together. It's obvious that Jacob's picked up a lot from Abel's and my interactions. I can't in any way pretend that we have a "normal" life, yet how much can you or should you disclose to a little boy about the horror that his beloved big brother went through? In choosing to read that one chapter out loud, I thought I had chosen a fairly gentle excerpt showing a relatively less horrific event in Abel's childhood. I deliberately did not ask Jacob to leave the room when I started to read. And yet, it effected Abel so strongly he couldn't bear to stay in the room. And Jacob's first statement after, "What's wrong with Abel," was, "I'm sorry Abel didn't like your book."
"Oh honey," I said, "it wasn't that. It was that Abel's birth mommy and daddy weren't... They were... They didn't take very good care of him when he was little."
"Why did his daddy leave him in the park?"
"I don't know, honey."
"Ok," he said. "I'm hungry." So for him, it was a little blip in the day that I'm sure he will file away in that brain of his. But I thought after, why did I choose to let him hear a section that would be one of the biggest fears in a little boy's life, being left behind? Am I doing the right thing even trying to let him know this little bit? Where is the blasted instruction manual that tells you what to do and what to say and when to do and say it?
I went upstairs and Abel came out of his room. "That really made me mad," he said.
"I know it did."
"I didn't remember that. I wanted to break everything, but I didn't."
"I know."
"See, this is one of the reasons I don't get my driver's license. I get so mad that I'm afraid I'd get in the car and go find him and I'd tear him apart."
"Me too," I said. "No, really. Even people who have read the book and don't even know you have commented that they'd like to find him and Justine..."
"Really?"
"Yes, really! Honey, don't you see that I wrote this book to... to honor your experience, to keep the memory of it so that everyone could know how incredible you are to have survived what you did. You are incredibly strong to have made it through and to be the person you are today..."
"Yeah, 21 and no job and living in my room..."
"With friends and a mother and brother who adore you and to have made the progress you have! Do you know how many people that went through even a tenth of what you did end up in prison or worse? Picture this: picture me taking Jacob to the park and I get pissed off, or whatever happened, and I leave him there. I never do anything else wrong to him except that. How would that ONE event effect his life? And you had multiple stuff done to you every single day of your life?"
We were standing in the upper hallway and he was facing the window looking out up into the huge oak that grows on the south side of our house. The morning sun reflected through and showed me what he didn't want me to see, I'm sure: the tears standing in his eyes.
"I guess I can sort of see why I've done some of the stuff I've done..."
Hallelujah!
"...I'm still not proud of some stuff but I never hurt anyone."
I gave him a big hug and a kiss as he squirmed away.
I'm so proud of that boy...man.
Little steps. Everyday it's just little steps.
Friday, November 25, 2011
112511 Perhaps I should have stuck with blogging...
As some of you may know, I have converted my blog into a book in the hopes of:
He grinned as he passed through the living room. "Oh, so you're happy about making money off my pain?"
That stopped me dead. When he came back in the room I said, "I know you were joking, but is there even a small part of you that means what you said?"
"I want you to be happy, Mom, and I want the book to be a success, but I just don't want to see you happy about it, okay?" and he walked out.
I have explained to him time and again--and he has agreed--that his story can help other people. He has been on board since the beginning... except he hasn't really. It hurts him and confuses him.
I do think that sharing stories is valuable to other parents with traumatized children. But, is it worth the pain that I might be causing Abel?
One of the reasons this is coming up today is that something else happened. I have been attempting to market the book online by going to forums and chatrooms to talk about it. One of the places I discussed it was in the forums of Adoption.com. I've been a member there for several months, long before I published the book. I also received some wonderful feedback from forum members that RAISING ABEL had helped them with their own situation. So today, I was a bit shocked and embarrassed to receive a message that I have been permanently banned from the forums for "advertising" there.
So, I'm having a crisis of conscience. I want to share this story. I think the book is a good way to do it. I could really use the income, if the book ever sells more than a couple of dozen copies. But, am I using my son's pain to make money and "selling out"? I don't know.
- Spreading the word about the long-term effects of child abuse
- Giving hope to others in the same situation
- Making a dollar or two to help pay for therapy, raising two boys, and someday retirement?
He grinned as he passed through the living room. "Oh, so you're happy about making money off my pain?"
That stopped me dead. When he came back in the room I said, "I know you were joking, but is there even a small part of you that means what you said?"
"I want you to be happy, Mom, and I want the book to be a success, but I just don't want to see you happy about it, okay?" and he walked out.
I have explained to him time and again--and he has agreed--that his story can help other people. He has been on board since the beginning... except he hasn't really. It hurts him and confuses him.
I do think that sharing stories is valuable to other parents with traumatized children. But, is it worth the pain that I might be causing Abel?
One of the reasons this is coming up today is that something else happened. I have been attempting to market the book online by going to forums and chatrooms to talk about it. One of the places I discussed it was in the forums of Adoption.com. I've been a member there for several months, long before I published the book. I also received some wonderful feedback from forum members that RAISING ABEL had helped them with their own situation. So today, I was a bit shocked and embarrassed to receive a message that I have been permanently banned from the forums for "advertising" there.
So, I'm having a crisis of conscience. I want to share this story. I think the book is a good way to do it. I could really use the income, if the book ever sells more than a couple of dozen copies. But, am I using my son's pain to make money and "selling out"? I don't know.
Monday, November 14, 2011
111411 Trouble getting started
I'm not sure why, but I've been having a terrible time getting started on this new phase of the blog. When I finished the book, a very positive event had occurred which neatly wrapped up our story. I think now, I'd like to believe it still is neatly wrapped up, with nothing more to tell, and no more challenges in our lives.
Unfortunately, life does not ever wrap up neatly.
Abel has started to live in a pig sty again--never a good sign. I have to nag him to shower and blackmail him to bring his clothes down for the laundry. There are dishes with rotting food in his room. He's staying up all night playing online games and sleeping all day.
And this in itself shows progress. It's a little boy thing to want to tell your mom what you've done, but in the past, he wouldn't have been able to wait until I woke on my own. He would have come and woken me up, regardless of the time of night.
Perhaps that's a good example of what to pay attention to when you're raising a child/adult with special needs. Abel is 21. He has a wicked sense of humor and an adult view of many things, but when it comes right down to it, he's still a little boy in many ways and I must not measure his achievements with an adult yardstick. I have to make an Abel yardstick, and try to always remember to use only it, and to avoid any other measuring device.
Well, that wasn't so hard. :) Perhaps in the next blog post I can start getting into the more difficult subjects.
Unfortunately, life does not ever wrap up neatly.
Abel has started to live in a pig sty again--never a good sign. I have to nag him to shower and blackmail him to bring his clothes down for the laundry. There are dishes with rotting food in his room. He's staying up all night playing online games and sleeping all day.
- And yet, he comes down regularly to tickle Jacob and chase him around the house.
- He always follows through with his chores of feeding the cats and the dogs.
- If I ask him to take out the trash, he does so without argument.
- Last night, in the middle of the night, he went down and did the dishes in the kitchen. He was so pleased with having done so, that at 3:30 this morning, he told me about it when he heard me heading back to my room after a trip down the hall. I think he'd been waiting anxiously for me to wake up so that he could share his achievement.
And this in itself shows progress. It's a little boy thing to want to tell your mom what you've done, but in the past, he wouldn't have been able to wait until I woke on my own. He would have come and woken me up, regardless of the time of night.
Perhaps that's a good example of what to pay attention to when you're raising a child/adult with special needs. Abel is 21. He has a wicked sense of humor and an adult view of many things, but when it comes right down to it, he's still a little boy in many ways and I must not measure his achievements with an adult yardstick. I have to make an Abel yardstick, and try to always remember to use only it, and to avoid any other measuring device.
Well, that wasn't so hard. :) Perhaps in the next blog post I can start getting into the more difficult subjects.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
111011 My first interview
If anyone is curious about how I sound, go to WorkStew.com and listen to my interview with Kate Walton. I swear it doesn't sound like my voice, but it must be. Kate has a wonderful site where she interviews people about why they do the work that they do. She's interviewed some fascinating people: a man who caretakes Koko the gorilla (the sign language gorilla), the founder of Devo, and a doctor who gave up medicine to pursue her passion for music.
The link for my interview is: http://www.workstewpodcast.com/?p=383
I don't want to make this blog into a marketing tool, but at the same time, I do want the word about my book to get out. If you can help spread the word, that would be great. If this starts to be too much, please leave a comment and let me know.
Thanks!
The link for my interview is: http://www.workstewpodcast.com/?p=383
I don't want to make this blog into a marketing tool, but at the same time, I do want the word about my book to get out. If you can help spread the word, that would be great. If this starts to be too much, please leave a comment and let me know.
Thanks!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
53. Published
The book is up now on Amazon. I've had mixed feelings about putting it up and taking down all the blog entries. I've fought with the idea that I'm being a bit of a sell-out. When I published the blog, I deliberately didn't go for any of the advertising gimmicks available, where you get paid by the number of views or clicks. I wanted this to strictly be a service for the foster/adopt community. However, the truth is I have two boys to raise and one of them still needs therapy. I'm hoping the $3 cost for Kindle version and $16 for the paperback won't be too much of a hardship for readers who are interested in the story.
Thank you, all of you, for reading "Raising a Traumatized Child." At this point (November), I've had a bit over 20,000 pages views from literally all over the world. It's been an astonishing experience.
My plan is to now continue the blog from where the book leaves off. The feedback I've received shows me that there is a lot of interest in making the transition from special-needs child to special-needs adult. Abel is doing very well in many regards, but he still faces challenges, and therefore, so do I. When we're young, and think of parenting, it "ends" at 18 when our enormously well-adjusted child leaves for the college of his or her choice. For an ordinary family, that just doesn't happen; when you have a special needs child, it almost never happens. Perhaps through talking about it here and other places, we can help each other find a way for us and for our kids through the transition.
Thank you, all of you, for reading "Raising a Traumatized Child." At this point (November), I've had a bit over 20,000 pages views from literally all over the world. It's been an astonishing experience.
My plan is to now continue the blog from where the book leaves off. The feedback I've received shows me that there is a lot of interest in making the transition from special-needs child to special-needs adult. Abel is doing very well in many regards, but he still faces challenges, and therefore, so do I. When we're young, and think of parenting, it "ends" at 18 when our enormously well-adjusted child leaves for the college of his or her choice. For an ordinary family, that just doesn't happen; when you have a special needs child, it almost never happens. Perhaps through talking about it here and other places, we can help each other find a way for us and for our kids through the transition.
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