This Christmas season was one of the best I've ever experienced. Jacob BELIEVES in Santa. I can't think of anything better than watching a 6-year-old in Spongebob footie pajamas dancing around a living room so excited that Santa is really going to come! I think Abel had a pretty good Christmas, too, but it hasn't all been peaches and cream. Things have been going well, but I don't want to leave anyone with the idea that everything is okay. Mama didn't kiss the boo-boo and make it all better. (Would that I could!) Before dawn one morning recently, Abel knocked on my door and announced that he thought he was having a panic attack. His heart was beating rapidly, he couldn't sit still let alone sleep. We went downstairs to talk, and did so for more than two hours.
And here I go with another conflict. When I wrote the other posts that eventually went into the book, it was all in the past. Somehow, it seemed okay to share, as long as I protected our privacy. Now, I hesitate to discuss the details of what Abel and I discussed the other morning because I feel like I would be breaching a confidence. There was so much rage in what he shared with me, and unless you are a parent of a traumatized child, you might be shocked at the form that rage took. Truthfully, I'm going to have to do some more thinking, as well as talking more with Abel about what I should share.
I guess for now, I want you to know that it hasn't and it doesn't all go away when they become an adult. The purpose of this blog, now, is to share our experience with this transition from boy to man. I just have to figure out how to do that without betraying my son's trust.
This story is now available on Amazon under the title RAISING ABEL with the pen name Carolyn Nash. If you have read the book, and you have a chance, I would so appreciate it if you'd leave a review on Amazon. It's of great help.
It seems OK to me, since you are more or less anonymous. I REALLY wish that I'd never made the mistake of using our REAL names. I patterned my blog (prior to realizing I was a "trauma mama" actually, after "Smiles and Trials" and imagined primarily relating sunny things. Now I am "in" and have a readership, I am in a difficult place. My youngest last night, was just sharing his unhappiness that he could google himself and get results.
ReplyDeleteI'm still thinking about this. I go back and forth on it. I am glad that I did this anonymously, and I don't think Abel or anyone he knows will ever come across any of this, but I still hesitate for some reason. When I figure out that reason, I guess I'll know whether to continue this or not.
ReplyDeleteAnnie, we all thought it was going to be sunny. You can't kick yourself for not knowing what no one can know.
If you think your son would feel betrayed; there is a good chance he may feel that way. You do read him rather well...
ReplyDeleteHi. I loved your book (I think :)), I cried through a lot of it; for Abel, for you, and for the "me" I recognized in both of you. I hope you keep writing as you and Abel feel comfortable; it helps more than just the mothers of traumatized children.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, are you planning on blogging on your other account?? I am intigued by the title.
Thank you, Becky. I think you're right. He's in a pretty good place right now so I'm going to talk about it with him more.
ReplyDeleteShelilah, thanks for reading RAISING ABEL. I really like that first sentence of your comment, "I loved your book (I think :)). Whenever I start to send the book to a reviewer or a friend, I say, "I hope you enjoy it..." and then I stop. It's not really a book that you enjoy, is it?
The other account... Yes, I think so. I have two friends who are also writers, one in the midwest, one on the East coast; we all have similiar issues. We've been talking about starting that blog as a way to help ourselves through some of our fears, and because we crack each other up. ;) I'm hoping we'll get on it soon. It's sure to be a wild ride.
Wow, you are fortunate to have two friends with similar issues, although I'm sure it's not a club any one of us would wish to belong to. ;) Anyhow, I'm looking forward to cracking up with the lot of you. :)
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