Saturday, May 5, 2012

Hi all. I know I've been a stranger around here. I never have been very good at writing blog posts. I originally used this blog to "publish" RAISING ABEL, and I didn't really think about what I might do with it afterwards.

Also, my mom passed away on April 11th. As you who have read the blog and the book know, I had a complicated relationship with my mom. She was 89, and her last words to me a few days before she died were, "Because I tell you to." Complicated to the last.

Abel and Jacob are doing well. Jacob slept over at a friend's house last night. He's seven so, you know, he's almost a grown up and he can handle sleepovers.  Abel is upstairs sleeping while his friend Benjamin plays a computer game. Benjamin is still a strong presence in our lives, which is a true blessing. Abel has been getting out more and more and growing stronger physically and emotionally. He's working up to benching 500 pounds. He's at about 470 right now. 470 pounds. Unbelievable.

So, our little family is doing pretty well. Raising Abel still sells a few copies on Amazon, and my new book did pretty well so we're set financially for at least the next six months. (I was "laid off" from the family business. There just wasn't enough work to keep us all going.) I'm going to continue writing romantic suspense, at least for the time being. It's always been one of my favorite genres to read. And, as I believe I've said before, having someone write romance who has no experience keeps that nasty reality from showing up in the pages. :) Oh, and any of you who might have read The Trunk Key, if you can leave even a very short review on Amazon, it truly helps. I keep getting these weird reviews saying that it was really a good story but it was too short: 1 star. Or it was a real page-turner but it was a romance: 2 stars. It would be good to receive a few balanced reviews. All they have to be is true.

The book I'm currently working on is a ghost story and should be finished in the next couple of months. I don't have a title for it yet. Here's hoping it sells a million copies and the boys and I are set for life. Yeah. That'll happen. LOL.

Thanks for reading, all of you who have been stopping by. I don't know when I'll post again. I'm just not that good at this...

Saturday, March 17, 2012

031712 - I have a new book! And it's FREE today.

I have ventured into the world of fiction writing. Today, my new book THE TRUNK KEY is Free for Amazon Kindle. I hope you'll take a look. Let me know what you think. Thanks!
The new suspense novel from the author of RAISING ABEL.
What if you think you see a kidnap victim in the trunk of a car? What if you're wrong? What do you do?
Find out what one woman does in THE TRUNK KEY.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

031112 - Wow

The book giveaway was an amazing success. More than 18,000 e-books given away in a 24-hour period. Since then, people have also been buying the book, enough so that for a brief, dizzying moment, RAISING ABEL was Number 10 on the Amazon bestseller list. It's settled back a bit since then, but still going pretty strong.

I'm not sure how to tell you all what this means to me. Having kept my story hidden for years--even, really, from myself--it's incredibly validating to have received the response I have on this blog and for the book. I used to be so ashamed of my status as "the world's oldest virgin." It was mortifying to be asked by people, Are you married? Have you ever been married? Oh, so did you live with someone... How to explain that I wanted so badly to be in a relationship, but I just couldn't, and I believed for SO long that it was because I was weird and unlovable.

And, to have the praise come in for Abel, for his strength and his courage to work through what he has. He is a hero. He has to fight demons every day of his life and he succeeds. Case in point: yesterday, Jacob had a friend over. They were using Abel's IPod to make silly videos. At some point, they decided that it would be a good idea to throw it around. Yes, I know, but they're six.  It smashed on something and Jacob came in to tell me about it (very proud of him for doing that) and when I said, That was a very bad decision, he burst into tears.

"You have to tell Abel," I said.
"Noooo," he wailed, "he'll be mad!"
"Even so, you need to tell him what happened."
We went upstairs, Jacob sobbing, his little friend following timidly behind.
"Why are you crying?" Abel asked.
I showed him the broken IPod.
"Jacob, come here. I'm not mad. Just tell me what happened," Abel said.
Jacob sobbed out the story.
Abel put his arm around him. "Well that was really stupid," he said. "Why did you think it would be a good idea to throw it?"
Jacob shrugged, sniffling.
"Okay, don't do it again."
"Okay," said Jacob.
And that was it.
Jacob will do some chores to pay for a new glass screen on the IPod.

I'm so proud of both of them.

Monday, March 5, 2012

RAISING ABEL will be FREE for Kindle on March 6th

Hi all,

If you know anyone who would like a copy of RAISING ABEL for their Kindle, please tell them to go to Amazon tomorrow, March 6th. You'll be able to download it for free.


Thursday, February 23, 2012

022312 And one more thing...

If you are on Facebook, come by and see Carolyn Nash's author page and say hi. :)

020412 (022312) Why do you guys keep coming here to see what I've written?

In the previous blog entries that went into RAISING ABEL, I'm certain I wrote about my issues with self-doubt. Self doubt is the main reason my blog entries are so few and far between. What can I possibly write that someone would want to read?

However, I just figured out something crucially important. No one is forcing anyone to click on this blog. Ergo, people are clicking on the blog because they want to read what I've written.

Extraordinary concept.

I think you can see why I have such a hard time marketing my book.

I'm 55 years old (another extraordinary concept). My abuse was almost 50 years ago. I've been through therapy for years and years and years. And yet, the gift keeps giving. The way I was raised and formed by my parents still effects what I do and what I think. I constantly fight the concept that there is no way anyone could possibly be interested in what I've experienced and what I've written. It's a painful struggle for me.

How much harder is it for Abel, whose abuse was orders of magnitude worse than mine? (I know. Abuse is abuse and there is no "scale" for judging whose abuse was worse, but his was worse.) Abel is 21; he'll be 22 this summer. He struggles so hard to try to determine what his place is in the world. He says (and I'm hoping it's only "says" and not what he truly believes) that he is living on borrowed time. He says he was supposed to have died long ago at the hands of his birth parents or when he took all those pills. He thinks he will die young and that it will be okay because he should already be dead. I'm sure you can imagine how those words pierce my heart.

February 23.  I've been avoiding this blog as if clicking on it would give me an electric shock. There's something I'm avoiding, but haven't quite figured it all out, yet.

I will tell you the last couple of weeks have been pretty interesting. One morning, Abel told me that he had realized what he had to do to make his life have meaning. After I was dead and gone (because he didn't want to hurt me) he was going to track down his birth parents and destroy them. He'd been up all night and this was eating at him. He felt the only thing he could do to protect other people and to prove that they should never have gotten away with what they did, was to destroy their lives the way they had tried to destroy his. I argued, I begged, I pleaded, I threatened, but nothing was going to dissuade him from this goal.

Please let me make something very clear:  I do not and have never believed Abel would actually search for and do violence to his birth parents. But I argued because it so hurts me to have him think these poisonous thoughts.I still labor under the false belief that if I can just come up with the right way to say something, it will take his pain away.

So, he finally went up to his room to sleep and I sat and worried.

The next day, maybe the day after, he came to me again. He said, "I still think they deserve to have their lives taken away, but I'm not going to do it. I won't do it because I love you. And, even if you were dead when I did it, it would not be honoring what you have given me. You're my mom."

I cried and thanked him for one of the greatest gifts he's ever given me.

Abel is a good, loving, gentle, generous soul. But, he has all of this rage inside him and he wants so badly to find a way to clean it out. I believe that whenever someone is badly hurt, the primitive part of their psyche wants to strike back and kill. I think that actually bringing that feeling forward, imagining what it would be like, and then finding a reason to discard it without feeling like a coward or a failure for not having done it, was extremely important. It was disturbing and difficult, but important.

Working with Stanley, he is gradually clearing more of the anger and pain, but there is so much that those bastards did...

And when your kids get older they may also say some outrageous and frightening things. Try to remember that it's part of the process of expressing the poison, pushing it out where it can be cleansed away.

And remember, you can't track down the birth parents either, no matter how much you would like to.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

010312A Abel and Jacob

This Christmas season was one of the best I've ever experienced. Jacob BELIEVES in Santa. I can't think of anything better than watching a 6-year-old in Spongebob footie pajamas dancing around a living room so excited that Santa is really going to come! I think Abel had a pretty good Christmas, too, but it hasn't all been peaches and cream. Things have been going well, but I don't want to leave anyone with the idea that everything is okay. Mama didn't kiss the boo-boo and make it all better. (Would that I could!) Before dawn one morning recently, Abel knocked on my door and announced that he thought he was having a panic attack. His heart was beating rapidly, he couldn't sit still let alone sleep. We went downstairs to talk, and did so for more than two hours.

And here I go with another conflict. When I wrote the other posts that eventually went into the book, it was all in the past. Somehow, it seemed okay to share, as long as I protected our privacy. Now, I hesitate to discuss the details of what Abel and I discussed the other morning because I feel like I would be breaching a confidence. There was so much rage in what he shared with me, and unless you are a parent of a traumatized child, you might be shocked at the form that rage took. Truthfully, I'm going to have to do some more thinking, as well as talking more with Abel about what I should share.

I guess for now, I want you to know that it hasn't and it doesn't all go away when they become an adult. The purpose of this blog, now, is to share our experience with this transition from boy to man. I just have to figure out how to do that without betraying my son's trust.